My Life is Meaningless

and other dark and true thoughts, and what to do next

This week I did something I have never done before; I gave a sermon at my church. Since that time, (which has only been three days) I have received numerous calls, text messages, and emails from people who are struggling with the same things I have. So what did I preach on?

For those of you who don’t know my background, my dad was a Baptist minister and I grew up serving in church. In my message I was asked to preach about my favorite bible verse, and I picked James 1:2 “Count it all Joy…”

As I sat down to explore what I would share, I soon found myself reliving my path through worry, stress, anxiety and depression — and that’s what I ended up sharing. Here’s the link.

[ Side Bar: If you know anyone who is stressed, depressed, and you worry about them – please feel free to share my story with them. Especially if they have a religious background. For some reason, many of us have even more guilt when we suffer from depression, which comes from this self imposed judgement that we are supposed to be perfect. ]

So since I grew up in a great, nurturing environment, I should have turned out awesome right? But instead my path was less glorious, full of failure and self-judgement and I wound up in a spot like many do. I made the mistake that many do, feeling that my failures = my worth. I sank deeper, and deeper, to a point that I could barely function.

”My Life is Meaningless”

At first glance, we want to argue with this thought, struggle against it. We feel bad, then we feel terrible, then we have regrets about even thinking these things. The clouds never seem to go away and we just see the negative side of everything. Then we say things like we “shouldn’t feel like this.”

Throw Me An Anchor?

Our brain, and our self-survival instinct kicks into full gear and tries to save us, but instead of throwing us a lifeline, it throws us an anchor. It doesn’t actually save us at all. I like what Russ Harris says about this in his book The Happiness Trap, “Our mind is like an over helpful friend,” giving us advice that makes it worse. Making judgements and beating us up all in attempt to “help.” And, things just get worse and worse.

The Pit of Despair

The more we struggle, the worse it gets. Not only that, it seems that everyone tells us it’s wrong to feel the way we do, “We shouldn’t feel that way.” It seems that I am surrounded by people that “don’t get it,” they have life “figured out.” They all seem to have it together.

Social media certainly doesn’t help. We see pictures of travel, family, smiles, good times and advertisements for things that are going to make life better. And when I occasionally come up for air and I have a “good day”, I am guilty of posting these pictures too. I tend to show my happy times, I hide my bad times. I suffer without even talking about it. Who wants to see the bad times? Right? I don’t want see a feed of depression on Instagram.

We want to feel good about ourselves. Well that doesn’t work for me either. The only consolation seems to be this. I am not alone.
~The Statistics~

Modern Mental Health Professionals view anxiety as a disorder, and as such, it is often treated with medication. In the US alone, 42 million adults take prescription meds for anxiety, and while that may seem like a shocking number, many more do not seek help, and go undiagnosed – these people often self-medicate with alcohol, smoking, or drugs and other bad habits they use to escape.
According to the American Psychological Association, chronic stress is linked to six leading causes of death in the United States, including heart disease, lung cancer, cirrhosis of the liver, accidents, and suicide. The numbers are so big and so bad that we can’t avoid them. The CDC reports 5.2% of the adult population has had, and will have suicidal thoughts. The number is 13% among young adults ages 18-25. And Personally, I have known many, too many, who have succumbed to the pressures of life and “ended it all.”
As I said in my message:

We are a world of worry, a nation of stress… a people without hope.

We have all be taught that we “should have good self-esteem,” and that it’s important to have that if we are going to “succeed.” Well, I am not succeeding (listen to my story if you don’t get what I am talking about).

So how about this question instead:

“Well, what if it’s true?”

What if it’s true that life doesn’t have meaning? Can I accept that feeling? Can I look at it for only what that feeling is, and not judge it negatively? Sure, it still hurts. That’s because I am assuming that it “should” have meaning. But okay. Now what? I really didn’t like that answer. In my despair, I wanted things to be figured out for me. I wanted to know what I should do, to feel better. At least that’s what I thought I wanted. I don’t want to have to figure out my meaning, do I?

Living by the “Shoulds”

Truth be told, I tried. I tried the path that I “should” do, and it didn’t work for me. Not going to go through the whole story here, not enough time. Let’s just say that I have failed and given up, many, many, many, many times. And each time I failed, more of my confidence went with it. My self-esteem was in the toilet. I can’t seem to get anything done, finish anything, and at times I am totally paralyzed by my fears.

You? Danny Kolke? Yup.

Since that’s not the side I show, it hasn’t been visible. I still suffer and struggle with my fears, and I am still learning to accept them for what they are – feelings, thoughts, and then trying to live by my values.

Well, The Shoulds Suck

Do I really want that? Do I really, honestly, want to know exactly what I should do? Would I be happy with that answer? Probably not. Well, absolutely not.
Living by the “Shoulds” is a horrible way to go. That’s when you listening to what you should do, and judge yourself, because you just can’t do it. At least that’s how the should’s have worked for me.

Life doesn’t have meaning, but maybe, just maybe, that is a good thing?

Life doesn’t have meaning…

Stop arguing for just a second with me, and try to see my perspective on this. Life doesn’t come with the meaning pre-filled out. It’s up to me, to give my life meaning. Yes ,we get lot’s of pressure from all sides on what we should do, but at the end of the day, I get to choose what values I can live by. That’s better than living by what other people say I should do, right? Yeah, now that I think about it — it’s great. I am glad that my meaning isn’t preset.

…we give it meaning

It’s actually a good thing that life doesn’t have meaning. What? That’s a crazy thought. Yup it is. Judge away. I’m crazy to think this. But that means, today, I get to decide what I am going to do with the life I have been given. No one chose it for me, and for all those that tell me what I should do, I can laugh that off.

Living with anxiety, and stress, and worry…

Some people are foolish enough to think that since I get things done, and since I smile, that I am a happy person all the time. Well, a more truer statement would be this: I am more thankful now of how things are working. I have been learning how to not judge myself so harshly for my feelings — like I used to. So from that standpoint, I am happier that I used to be. But I still struggle with stress, anxiety, worry and even depression. I just try to notice them for what they are, feelings that I don’t like, and that if I don’t struggle against them, they tend to dissipate, and then I can choose to do something that I value. So yeah, I don’t let those things completely stop me from living my life by my values anymore. Those are my good days, some of them end up being my great days.

Living by my values versus shoulds, wants, and needs

So if you are depressed, and feeling that your life has no meaning – maybe try to accept a different perspective? Can you try to make that statement without the negative judgement attached to it. Just accept it as a statement.

“My life has no meaning assigned to it, and that means, I can take some time to figure out what do I do next? What meaning to I want to pursue? What values do I want to live by? Maybe this is an opportunity to make some changes?”

Not Helpful, I still worry, I am still scared

Yeah, it doesn’t solve everything. Nothing does. That’s not how things work. I am still dealing with thoughts of self-doubt, inadequacy, self-judgment, and unreasonable fears. What? Still? Yeah. These thoughts still show up, not as often though. Like I said just a few short sentences ago, I have gotten better at not struggling with them, and letting them pass. When I try to not fight them, they seem to go away faster and faster. Sometimes I can go for days, and even weeks without them. That feels good. But when they show up again, I have to be careful to not let them “hook me,” as Russ says in his book. If I can let them pass again, I can get back to living by my values.

I keep talking about this book, and I have recommended it before and I am going to recommend it again. I don’t agree with everything that Russ Harris says in The Happiness Trap, but I will say that his perspective on the ACT method of therapy has helped me immensely. Here’s the link:

I am now a highly functional worrier, more equipped to celebrate and be thankful for how things work – instead of a closeted depressed person ill-equipped to handle it all.

So yeah, I get to chose my meaning. That’s actually a good thing.

Closing

If you can’t escape the feeling that it’s negative, that’s okay. You are not broken. Some of us work that way. But try this; phone a friend, find a friend, be a friend, and start there. The only reason I didn’t give up, is because I had people who I knew still loved me, even though inside I thought they were foolish to do so, I felt like a phony – they still loved me. And now, I am thankful more than ever for my friends. I now see how amazing their friendship is. Listen to my story if you want to understand the rest of my perspective. Here’s the link.

It’s okay to get help. My recommendation is find a therapist that practices ACT – Acceptance Commitment Therapy. Here’s a link

Just because life doesn’t come with meaning, does not mean that you don’t have value, and it doesn’t mean that you can’t make a difference. It means that you get the power to choose, that’s really what it means. You get to live by your values, and you get to decide what those values are. That’s actually pretty incredible.