Listening is love, be a good listener. And hug people too.
– from Lessons from My Father
This morning I am again reflecting on lessons I learned from my father. This one usually comes easy for me. I like to listen to people. I like to hear them tell stories, share experiences. It’s very rare for me to reach a point where I don’t want to listen anymore, but it has happened. Usually it’s when they keep telling the same story over and over. But that’s not what I am talking about here.
You’re a good listener
My dad used to tell me stories and he could talk for hours on end. Sometimes he’d share experiences of growing up during the war, or being shipped on trains. Those stories were great because it involved so much family history. I found them fascinating.
My dad also used to share with me lessons from his studies. You see, dad was a theologian. He would study scriptures in greek. He’d read about history. He’d test his lessons on me. I found myself on the receiving end as they say, of countless lessons on scripture. Many, if not most, I was not sure I understood what he was talking about. So I’d just sit there and listen, and smile at him. Many times I just enjoyed hearing him share what he was so passionate about.
My dad would stop in the middle of the story and say, “you are such a good listener”.
I Didn’t Know What to Say…
At times I think my dad thought I was brilliant. I would nod in approval. I would smile. I would ask him to restate what he said, all the while not really comprehending most of the significance of his lessons. I would try to understand, and I guess that’s what he picked up on most. I wanted to understand what he was talking about.
My dad would say that it felt good talking with me, and that was the best words I could ever hear.
Sometimes Just Listen
Sometimes it’s best to just listen. Do you need to comment? Do you need to out-do someone in stories? Hope not.
Resist the Urge to Fix
Also, start by not trying to fix anything. Most of the time friends just need someone to share something with, especially if it’s something that’s bugging them. It’s not necessary. Is it?
Resist the Urge to Counsel
Maybe friends come to you for counsel? It’s dangerous though to offer it. Once you offer it, a good friend will accept it.
Resist the Urge to Offer Opinions
Opinions are often the end of friendships when shared too harshly, especially unsolicited. If you are to share an opinion, be sure it’s with someone you trust, or maybe you don’t care if they decide to no longer be your friend. When you share an opinion, be sure you can articulate it well. To make bold statements accompanied by insults and drastic measures may do more harm than good.
On Making Arguments
I have a bunch of friends that are very opinionated. They like to argue and I think they believe that they have convinced me of their point of view. There seems to be no end to their barrage of facts and figures. Sometimes I like to ask them questions to keep them going. Sometimes I’d wish they would move on. Ha. I still listen. I like listening to them, even though I often don’t agree.
How about Just Listening?
Yeah, it can be tough at times to just listen. But often at times, that’s the best.
My dad taught me that sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love, is just to listen to them. And give them a big hug.
Danny Kolke 